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Adventures in Diplomacy (or how Castiel and Crowley Got Stuck On Earth Helping With the Cleanup)

And so, the Ten Commandments DEAN are as follows

When it had been decided that all of DEAN’S angels (and all of SAM’S demons) would be required to spend a six month tour of duty on Earth living amongst the humans as humans themselves, DEAN, much like His predecessor, deigned to have His word brought down from the mountaintop (or in this case, the crappy apartment) by His advocate Castiel, who then shared the newly revealed Word with his brethren. The purpose of this particular Word had been to communicate a certain set of commands upon His subjects that He felt important enough to personally stress. They had been created to further enlighten the angels and the demons to the human condition in the hopes of helping these otherworldly creatures learn how to properly appreciate the marvels of humanity and the sanctity of free will.

And so, the Ten Commandments DEAN are as follows:

1. Eat a cheeseburger
2. Go on a date
3. Watch a sports movie
4. Play with some puppies
5. Eat pie
6. Help someone out
7. Go for a long drive
8. Fix something with your own two hands
9. Spend time with your family
10. Talk to some little kids

Of course, given the literal nature of most angels (as well as the evil of most demons), these very vague guidelines as set forth by DEAN have since been refined by both DEAN and Castiel’s hands (many times) out of simple necessity; there are now countless notes and footnotes and endnotes that are required addendums in any instruction given on the Commandments, mostly because of some of the shenanigans that have since been pulled by said demons and angels in the interim. To give a more simplified version of these latest adjustments:

1. Eat a cheeseburger (Make sure it is your cheeseburger. And remember to pay for it!)
2. Go on a date (As in, out for fun, with a person. Do not defecate on a calendar (looking at you, demons) or choose a day of the week to leave your apartment (goddamned angels). Also, make sure the person you take on this date is willing to go with you before you take them. C’mon guys, seriously? Kidnapping?)
3. Watch a sports movie (Golf is not a real sport. It’s just not.)
4. Play with some puppies (make sure that they are big enough to play with. Make sure you have permission to play with them. 'Play with' in this context does not mean throw like a ball you friggin’ hell spawn.)
5. Eat pie (See addendum to 1.)
6. Help someone out (Assisted suicide no longer counts. I mean it guys.)
7. Go for a long drive (Don’t steal a car. DO NOT STEAL A CAR. There are places where you can pay money to borrow them. Really.)
8. Fix something with your own two hands (This does not in any way mean break something so you’ll have something to fix with your own two hands later. This also does not apply to humans or animals.)
9. Spend time with your family (In no universe is ‘throttle’ synonymous with ‘spend time.’ We will not post bail for any of you again.)
10. Talk to some little kids (But don’t try to buy their souls. Don’t try to take them on a date. Do not stare creepily. GET PERMISSION FROM THEIR PARENTS FIRST. No trench coats either. Hopefully you also didn’t rent a creepy white van when you were fulfilling 7. I seriously can’t believe Cas is the most well adjusted out of all you. I can’t.)

These are the words of our DEAN. And while they are not perfect, they are well intentioned. Amen.